Today Is: Trying to Connect the Dots Day

"When the pain is large, when I feel I cannot expand enough to hold it, I send out the simple prayer, 'Help me' and allow myself to relax into being held by something larger than myself." -- Oriah "The Invitation"

I cannot begin to articulate the words of the pain that has taken over in my heart. My heart aches with both sadness and helplessness. For one of the first times in my life that I can remember I'm hurt and angry with God. I cannot even begin to understand why He chose her to go through this. Why now? Why ever? Why cancer? I know that this type of thinking is irrational but it's the only thoughts that I am able to create in my angered state. I also know that I cannot just sit back with these tears of anger and sorrow filling both my eyes and my soul but at this very moment I feel lost. I'm seeking to connect the dots between us. I feel empty. I feel as if I'm at a standstill trying to figure out and connect how I can help and what I can do. All these questions that I am unable to find the answers and the one person, God, with whom I usually turn to and trust in these situations, has bruised my heart. I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but I'm at a loss right now; I'm still trying to connect the dots as to the reason and purpose for such a horrible thing. I find that it is much easier to find/make meaning for my own adverseries as I am able to have some control in the situation. However, in this situation I'm unclear how I can help in her pain and sufferring... this feeling of WHY???
All that I know how to do at this moment is have faith in what my Father will do to get her through this. I cannot turn my back from Him, point the finger, and just walk away hoping for a miracle to occur. Instead I must choose to seek understanding and clarity in how I can help. I must have faith and remember that God is in control, not me and maybe I don't have a role in this. I know that God connects all the dots for a reason and sometime ago her dots and mine were brought together for a very special reason, but maybe they no longer need each other in that way; maybe they have fulfilled their purpose. Now all I can do is trust and put my encompassing faith in Him, knowing that He will combine those dots with his love and his purpose. I pray that He provides clarity along the way, and I pray that He not only holds her tightly in His arms, but that she feels how close He is to her always.

"I found Jesus
He was behind the sofa.
He said, 'Come near,
get down and stay down.
I'll take care of everything.'
So, I did.
And then, He did." -- Iyanla Vanzant "Peace From Broken Pieces"

"God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them." -- unknown

In a moment of silence I hear this tiny whisper in the back of my mind say, "Every time you think of her; as you think of her often; send her thoughts of love, care, comfort, and compassion." "You must listen to connect"

Seems as if God is already connecting the dots!

"I walked life's path with worry,
Disturbed and quite unblest,
Until I trusted Jesus;
Now faith has given rest." -- Bosch